Screaming Out my Pain

Depression and Anger: A Destructive Partnership

It took me a long time to understand the connection between depression and anger. One psychiatrist I visited would often ask a simple question toward the end of a session: How’s your anger? I couldn’t understand why he asked. I hadn’t been talking about anger. Depression was my problem. I’d usually respond with a puzzled, Fine. I’d leave his office wondering why he had asked about anger but soon put [...] Read the rest»

Depressed: When Control Is Out of Control

Why I try to understand depression, I find too few words with too many meanings. This isn’t quibbling over semantics. It’s about what you feel when living with depression and what you feel when you can finally live without it. It’s about the experience behind the words. Take the word, control. To control and to be controlling are bad. Your world is all about you, and everyone else is there [...] Read the rest»

Psychological Abuse and Depression

There have been many times in the past when I’ve run into someone at work who could twist my words to suit his own purpose. If I’d challenged him in some way, he would launch a subtle verbal assault that built gradually to convince me he’d been the victim and I’d been the one who had caused the problem. The turnaround could be so skillful and bizarre that I’d often [...] Read the rest»

Family Fury in a Small Space

This is a story I had to get out of my head onto paper purely for healing. It’s still hard, though, and I may not be getting it right – best I can do for now. A name has been changed, but otherwise this is the way I can remember it. This seemed to happen at first without sound, as if I were watching a silent film with the words [...] Read the rest»

Healing Waters in the Grand Canyon

Some Rights Reserved by efleming on Flickr This is another of the first posts on this blog that I’ve revised. It describes an incident from many years ago, but the experience gave me an image of healing that has never left. I come back to it again and again whenever I need to push off the weight of depression. My wife and I were hiking with three friends into the [...] Read the rest»

Meditating through Depression

These are journal excerpts about my fitful beginning work with meditation as a guide through depression. After a day of feeling the chaos of panic, immobilized at work, I went to see JL, first therapist in years. This guy is real. He wasted no time, quickly running through some patterns he observed (explaining that he was hurrying things up because I had been through therapy) and then hit on something [...] Read the rest»

Shame and Family Violence

Some years back I took part in a series of group sessions that focused on helping people confront and deal with inner shame that had haunted them since childhood. It was the first group in my experience that got me to interact with other people not just through talk but through dramatic reenactments of past painful encounters. This experience was one of the first to wake me up to the [...] Read the rest»

How One Man Fights Depression – 1

Photo Credit – stewart charles – I’ve fallen back into a prolonged dark period after a few weeks of energy, buzz and a bright outlook. That’s the way it goes, riding one wave after another through it highs and crashing lows. I need (and I mean need) to write what I’m doing to counteract this latest drop as the full weight of a huge surf comes pounding down on [...] Read the rest»