Trying to Heal after the Final Break with Your Depressed Partner

Depressed partners walk out and leave behind a lot of emotional wreckage. Whether the ending is explosive, grieving or compassionate, its impact is life-changing.

As the abandoned partner, you have to put your life back together, and it can take years to do it. There are a lot of obstacles to get around, however, before you can start. One of the worst can happen if your partner makes you responsible for the decision to separate.

Intentionally or not, they can waffle along, flipping back and forth from a fierce resolve to get away from you to tender remorse at the very thought of going. Or they might blame everything on you, claiming they’re the victims, and you’re the one who’s driving them away.

Whether passive or aggressive, they avoid making the big decisions on their own. Eventually, they wear you down until you’re forced to consider ending the relationship in order to save yourself. Having to take the step you’ve never wanted only adds to the anguish – and possibly depression – you’re already living with.

From what I’ve been through and and have found in hundreds of online postings, the intense feelings of abandonment don’t hold still. They rocket all over – confusion, hurt, anger, resignation, depression. That inner storming makes it all the harder to know what to do. Most of the time, the first impulse is to undo what’s happening by trying something – anything – to bring your partner back.

When you realize that it’s not going to happen no matter what you try, it’s time to work on your own recovery. You’ve lost a lot.

By leaving, your partner has not only knocked out a big part of your life but also taken away the sense of predictability you used to have. Adding to the hurt, likely mixed with a lot of anger, is the fact that they are still with you.

They may be physically gone, but they’re everywhere in vivid memories. Some of those bring back the worst times, some the best – the ones you long to have back.

All the memories keep the relationship alive and make it harder to think clearly about who you are, what you can do to heal and how you can put your life back together. As I found out, that can take years.

Long before I married, I had an intense relationship that ended when my partner left to live with another man. I couldn’t handle the loss at all. She was not depressed or angry but compassionate and concerned, knowing full well, however, that getting myself back on track was up to me alone.

For years, I could not let go the intensity of the feeling I knew we had shared. I held onto one groundless hope after another. It was terrible, but falling apart forced me into treatment. Then I finally recognized that I had been deeply depressed for much of my life and that my behavior had contributed to the break-up. That was the way I began to heal. Treatment was the turning point, but the rest – I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

What can you do to begin to heal? It’s never easy, and there’s no straight path to get there. But there are a lot of helpful examples of how individuals have managed to get started. Many tell a similar story about finally shifting their attention away from what’s happening to their ex to what they need for themselves.

Here are a few of the ways people have handled the loss, and how they changed their attitudes about themselves. I’m adapting words from comments posted on Storied Mind and the Depression Fallout Forum. The Forum is an important resource that’s been on line for more than ten years.

Anne Sheffield started it and later wrote a a book of the same name to summarize what she and the forum members had learned through this virtual support group. The book is a good starting point for exploring this resource. It has a vast archive on every aspect of life with a depressed partner.

  1. I’ve changed my attitude about finalizing divorce. I stopped thinking of it as such a sad day where I was ending a beautiful, loving past. I thought about it as a beginning of an exciting future. I feel now that the best thing for me is to get this toxic person out of my life forever. This is all I can do for myself. Life is too painful otherwise.

  2. I love the person he was but the person who abused me for years did so much damage that it has changed my view of him forever. The divorce process is very painful, but the pain ends – life with a depressive who won’t seek help is a life sentence of pain and hurt. I decided not to let divorce make me feel like a victim.

  3. I’ve slowly come to realize that I can’t change her. After all this pain, I need to get away just as much as she does! It’s not easy, but does seem to be getting easier each day. Perhaps divorce will bring some closure.

  4. So, I’m in the final stages of divorce. Somehow, he believes that I deserve this. He said it’s my fault he left and I should have recognized his unhappiness from signs he gave me. I’ve accepted that he’ll never see anything from my perspective. So I’ve become business-like to handle the logistics of divorce. I understand that my marriage is over and can no longer find the person I married. To honor the love we did have, I want to show compassion, but I’ve given up hoping that anything I do can change what he’s become.

  5. I’ve gotten help from a professional. It wasn’t childhood problems. It was the shock of divorce I had to work through with the help of a therapist. This work has helped but I’ve had to find my own strategies for coping. I try to live with those strategies every day of ruminating about what I’ve lost. It’s not easy because I have my own depression to deal with, but it’s worth it.

  6. I’m trying as best I can to get on with my own life and do things for me. while still giving him his space, staying in light casual contact, and making sure he knows I’m there if he needs to talk. I hope this is the right thing to do. I just feel so bad for never noticing, until now, what a bad state he was in mentally.

  7. I’ve been helped so much by others who know what this is like. I still can’t bear to think that this relationship is over, but I’ve realized that I cannot help him if he does not want to help himself. As long as he fantasizes about his new life, he won’t do anything about his depression.

  8. I hope that once the divorce is final I’ll be able to heal and move on. I feel like it’s one big tragic mistake. All that love has been torn up and thrown away. But it’s not my choice and I can not change someone who doesn’t admit to depression or want to change.

The biggest change is within, when attitudes about their ex-partners and about themselves started to change. Sometimes the change happens entirely through an inner struggle. Sometimes it’s helped or triggered by taking an action of some kind, whether divorce, getting treatment, completing a ritual of mourning and letting go, or opening up to others who are going through the same thing.

If you’ve gone through a break-up, what helped you start to heal? Or are you in the midst of it now and not sure what to do? I hope it helps to hear what others have been through.

Image by Katie Tegtmeyer at Flickr

52 Responses to “Trying to Heal after the Final Break with Your Depressed Partner”

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  1. cass says:

    I find myself once again here hoping someone may be able to give me some insight and advice. I won’t go crazy and go over all the details of my break up to me the shins as I’ve already discussed theme however things been weighing on my mind and I can’t seem to decide what to do

    when I last wrote I mention that my ex contacted me after 4 months of silent and it was a really rough go. his communications with me we’re all by instant messenger very drawn out and choppy making no sense to what he really wanted…. in return after being open it first giving him time I finally shut down. at first I just kept telling myself I needed a couple days then I had good things going on and I have done things going on all of which kept telling me not to speak to him until I sell them now fast-forward its been almost 4 months again and while he never stop creeping on my mind now it seems to come to a great point I don’t know how to push it aside and more and I feel like I want to I need to talk to explain why I shut down yet he is the one who contacted me they would not give me information as to what he wanted.

    honestly I really don’t know if I want to contact him cause I need more closer or because is not part of me that still desperately missing the man that I thought was my true love and soulmate and sadly still do

    I guess what I’m really asking here is if it’s keeping me up at night do I contact him and how

    thank you from one scared broken heart hoping to find peace and final close

  2. susan says:

    I met and married whom I thought was my dream partner for life 3yrs ago this past September 26th after 2 years of a loving relationship. my second marriage after 15yrs and his first. we were both 47. last October , several weeks after my our 3rd anniversary I was informed by him over the phone that he had gone to see an attorney and filed for divorce. the fallout I have suffered fromhis decision these past 8 months is more than I could put into words. the man has a long history of depression and anxiety and a strong family history of bipolar. his mother had been hospitalized several times when he was a child and once for a period of several years, having undergone electroshock therapy. an older brother also diagnosed with bipolar at age 20 and unable to ever lead a normal life. when I met through a mutual acquaintance he told me he was coming out of a two year depression related to a breakup and death of his father. there are many other stories he related to me about job difficulties, relocating to Vermont because of stress issues , unable to have a longterm relationship, difficulty maintaining a healthy weight, heavy smoker, daily pot smoker. unfortunately not even 2 years into our marriage when stressors hit and real life was happening he slowly sank back into depression and I became his nemesis. everything wonderful and loving and amazing about me became trash. nothing I said or did was right. I was accused of withholding affection and being nicer to my kids than I was to him. when I asked him what was wrong all he would say was he was not happy and had low self-esteem. if we argued he ran from the room or took off. everything fell apart so fast , I was blindsided. he said his only choice was to get away from me. I begged him not to make such life changing decisions during a depression. long story short. we are now divorced and he has hardly spoken to me since last October. I’ve never known a person who could completely destroy the wonderful life they created with a person so fast , furious and with no good reason. he now portrays himself as the victim and has placed all the blame on me. I fear that it will take me many years to completely heal from this betrayal. it’s as though I have been punished for his lifetime of anger and unhappiness. he refuses to acknowledge he needs help. just needed to wipe me from his life so he could go back to his comfort zone.

  3. Lou says:

    I got back with my now ex partner after 20 years. He had lived in Scotland for 3 years and moved back down here. He had a ex gf who had ripped him off. 2 weeks moving back to England he had his bank account closed. I let him use mine, everything was paid of there. For the last 9 months he basically had a break down. Bankruptcy, a close friend pushed him over the edge. We didnt live together, but i did everything for him. Sorted out his bills, took food up to his house. I only saw him once this year. He wasnt happy in his job. 2 weeks ago he turned up and told me he was going back to Scotland. It was a Friday and he was going on the Sunday. He had ignored me for 2 weeks prior to this. By that time he had jacked his job in, been up to Scotland and got old job back. Someone was letting them use his account. Just like that it was a case of see ya. He says he will be happy there. His Mum and Dad retired there. His Dad died up there and is buried there. He said he will be closer to his Dad. His Mum has alzheimers and moved back down here last year. He told her out of the blue. I am devastated that he can do this. I cant get over what he has done. Everything i did for him and he can just do that. No cares, nothing. Now he is back up there with people who think he is fab, when all he had done is left path of destruction down here. I feel so betrayed, but also think he has had a breakdown. He is living in a caravan. I just cant get my head round it. He has been treat like rubbish from all his exes, and i was the only one who treat him right.

  4. Lori says:

    I’m soo glad I came across this. My fiance is depressed and has recently been doing some really hurtful things. He’s the love of my life and to say I’m hurting is an understatement. It’s like he’s died but then I still see him but inside this person is someone completely different. Selfish, rude and mentally hurtful! I hope the hurt and pain stops soon. I kno I’ll never have the person I fell in love with back … so I guess I have to be strong and after over 8 years on and off move on :(

  5. Chris says:

    I have been reading this site alot recently, and it has really helped me get over my depressed partner leaving me. It has been the most heartbreaking experience of my life. I have commented on several posts already, but when ever i feel a little overwhelmed, I just cant help but write down my feelings on this site.

    I was only with my girlfriend 4 months. But in that time we fell, what I thought, was deeply in love. She told me after several weeks she had fallen for me, and it made me fall faster in love with her. She involved me with her family, who really took me in, and she made friends with my mum and sister. She was simply the most loving and caring person I had ever met, and she was gorgeous too. She was my perfect girl, and we did talk about marriage, living together, kids etc. Not stuff I talk about with a girl, especially so early on in the relationship. A week before Xmas she wrote me a card telling me how me she loved me and wanted to be with me.

    2 weeks later she wanted to split from me out of the blue. I had seen a complete change in her charachter, she had become cold, unresponsive and un-loving. She was then diagnosed with severe depression, and pushed me away, claiming she didnt know what she wanted anymore. I tried to stay with her for a few weeks, telling her much I loved her, but she wouldnt have any of it. She said she was no longer in love with me. My life had crumbled in a matter of weeks. My future was gone. The girl of my dreams, the love of my life was gone. And she didnt care. Its been over 2 months since we last spoke, she wont get in contact with me, and it seems like she really doesnt want anything to do with me, which is the most heartbreaking thing at all. Even worse, she claims she fell out of love with me, becasue she felt I didnt care. Thats the most heartbreaking thing of all, to know she thinks in her mind I dont care, and she doesnt want me to fix it. (I would like to point out I dont think there is much to fix, this is simply her illness compounding her beliefs).

    Looking back I can see the warning signs were there. She had massive self confidence issues with herself, and me. No matter how much I reassured i loved her, i thought she was beautiful, and that i was there for her, she would dismiss it sometimes. She also was abandoned by her father (and raised by a very good man indeed who she calls Dad), lost her baby brother a few years ago and ended up raising her younger brother and sister whilst her mother coped with depression. She was only 16 when she done this. Ultimately I think she struggled with things for so long, that pressure was always behind her, wearing a mask, trying not to break. And when things were finally working out for her, it gave way, her guard came down and the depression took over. She truly believes I dont care, and this is why she says we split up, not for the fact she has depression.

    being someone who has not got depression, this has been so hard to deal with. Every inch of my body wants to support her. At least 10 times a day i consider just messaging her letting her know im here. BUt she told me to leave her alone and that she had no feelins for me. I have to respect that.

    Walking away has been the hardest thing, because it was the last thing i wanted to do. I want her to know how much I love her, still, and would do anything for her. She is the only person i would be calm and patient for and give her the support she needs. BUt she rejected it, and told me to leave her alone. I do wonder what if she has changed her mind and her pride wont let her contact me? What if she has met someone else, and these things arent an issue for him? What if she repeats this over and over again because she isnt dealing with her problems, and just taking her medication, numbing the pain.

    All i wanted to do is love her and support her. All she wanted was for me to leave her alone. And I cant help feel that our love didnt mean as much as it did for me. Everyday I wake up wishing things were different. Everyday I long for a text asking to talk and sort this out. Deep down I cant let go, because in my heart and head this isnt how its supposed to end. We had a connection for a reason.

    Or maybe im naive, and i feel these things because its not what I want to believe. Im meeting new girls now, hoping to take my mind off it, and despite her telling me its over, I cant let go.

    • Jen says:

      Hi chris

      I am in a similar boat as yourself – my boyfriend of 3 years came home three weeks ago and said he was leaving to focus on himself and after some initial contact from me trying to find answers he has completely ignored me now, my life is devastated so I know how you feel

      If you want to chat email me
      Jenny

      • Chris says:

        Hi Jen, so sorry to hear about your breakup, I think I have it bad after 4 months, your relationship gives me perspective although still doesn’t stop the hurt.

        Very interested in knowing how you are dealing with this right now and how you plan to handle going forward.

        Unfortunately there is no happy ending from my point of view. Still not a word between us, despite seeing her several times she has ignore me and blanked me. I don’t why she feel she has to do that.
        I still feel exactly the same as when I wrote the original piece. It’s quite clear she doesn’t and pretty much accepted she has no feeling for me what so ever and would rather be with someone else.
        What I still struggle with is the sudden change from seeing love in her eyes to nothing. And dumping me because she felt I didn’t care when I showed as much as I could that I did care. I figure she just wouldn’t listen..:and in her mind she’s convinced herself she’s right

        Anyway please feel free to chat to me, and hope you keep your head up and don’t give up like I have l

        • Ms.L says:

          Hi chris and Jen,

          Reading your posts sounds very similar to mine situation:
          my bf of 7 years ( we were supposed to get married in a few months and thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with him) has been depressed and came home a month ago and told me he can’t marry me and was no longer in love with me–he claims he has soo much love for me and I’m a great partner, but the spark was gone. he used to be so caring, loving, and affectionate. but now He seems so cold, like he hates me, and just shuts down anytime I’d ask him anything.

          At first, he kept flip-flopping on if he wanted to work on us. Now he says he’s certain he wants out–he’s also hinted that the reason why he’s depressed is because of his realization he no longer is in love with me. He’s buying me out and I have to start looking for somewhere to live for my own sanity. It’s really hard not to get pulled down into the depression with him.

          The change in his behaviour was just so drastic: crying spells, hate for his job, co-workers, loss of pleasure in everyday activities, no motivation, hopelessness, etc–he physically looks the same, but its like he’s a total stranger. He’s also talked about needing to hit rock bottom and how he almost wants to run away from his life. Now, he just thinks his meds are supposed cure him, and therapy won’t help.

          I’m started counselling–both from a counsellor and a psychologist–and strongly urge both of you to do the same. If you can afford help, look for local free resources to help you deal. This isn’t easy, and its nothing you have done–I constantly blame myself: i should have done more, i should have told him i love him more, but deep down i know there is nothing i could have done to prevent this from happening. Depression causes a lot of irrational thoughts and feelings and depression ultimately wants to isolate the person, so it can have the person all to itself.

          Try and get yourself a support group–friends, family, etc and don’t be ashamed to be sad, upset and even a little angry that you’ve been hurt. Talking about it helps. I wish I was able to give you guys a hug, as it seems like we’re all in the middle of own own hell, with more questions than answers.

          • Sara says:

            Hi Chris,

            Do you think I could email you sometime? I have gone through a really heart breaking break up with my boyfriend who is severely depressed. I feel hopeless, and I feel like our stories are very similar, and I would love to talk to someone who went through the same pain, because it is un bearable

          • Chris says:

            Hi, this is for attention for Sara. Yes you may email me, my email is trig1988@gmail.com. I will warn you though that there is no happy ending from my point of view, except that I am living my life as best I can. Today is my ex gfs birthday and I can’t even bring my self to wish her a happy birthday. In fact, i generally feel numbness towards all, I can’t consider a relationship, yet my ex has moved on. It’s undervalued my love, and all my advice will be is move on amd drop the person from your life…it’s so sad but its the only way I function.

    • Paul says:

      Hi Chris

      What has happened to you is awfull and i complete relate to it as this happened to me only 9 days ago. My beautifull girl left , took all her things and just left me the doorkey no note nothing. She has depression but i didnt realise how bad it was until now. Im in pieces cannot sleep properly or eat and have this horrible ache in my stomach all the time. We were together 3 years and she was my life. She wont return any texts or calls and i now have a restraining order and have to attend court where she will be. This is the worst time in my life im 43 so have been around long enough to know she was the one. When i recieved the order at 1st i felt ok at least i know now ( she has accused me of keeping her in a prison and lost all her friends and family because of me whicch is so not true, has twisted every innocent comment i made into something nasty and painted me a monster ) why she left and she is making things up but after reading this site i realise its her depression talking not my beautifull girl its ripping my heart out. I hope we both get through this somehow.

  6. projectified says:

    I am so happy o found this. I’ve been sobbing reading every entry. Ill make this short cuz I’m writing this on a phone. I have been heartbroken and seeking answers for a year trying to get over the man who left me. I have thought there was something wrong with me this whole time, so much so that I barely talk to anyone. Its like I have isolated myself and can’t move on till I figure out what I did wrong. I’m not perfect but I know I supported and loved this person more than anyone in my life so far. He had trust issues because he caught his mother cheating on his father when he was a kid and wasmade to keep the secret. I bent over backwards to show he could trust, forgave his cheating and let him know my intentions were pure. I thought I was a positive in his life, at least I tried to be. And I believe he was in mine…then he got a new job, met some new friends and became distant. He was doing some qierd triangulation manipulation nonsense because the few times I met them I was treated with blatant hostility and treated as though I was a controlling witch…fast forward to the demise where he tells me, and I quote, “I’m not going to let you get in the way of my dreams” since he has moved on and seems happy citing that he needs his time to be free and be a son of a bitch with as many women as he wants. That I depress him and because of me he spends time alone feeling down. I have ups and Downs but that left me so hurt and confused. Despite all my good intentions did I bring him down. After that my reaction legitimized. His perspective because I have become so depressed. I feel as though I hurt people around me. His new life seems to suit him and his new pals told him I was a negative person, that most likely cheated on him. Never happenned. I loved him. I felt like I was being punished. I’m pretty sure the last thing he said to me, was while I was crying. He told me he couldn’t help somebody that didn’t help themselves. Again, I’m not perfect, I’ve got some issues but this blow is taking me forever to recover from. I fear new connections with people for fear that I bring people down. If you’ve never been told you are in the way of someones dreams I envy you. This page helps maybe its not me totally. Does anyone have any advice

  7. Fey says:

    The stories here remind me so much of my situation, as my partner recently broke up with me and it has left me devastated.
    We had what I thought was a perfect relationship, we were very much in love and he would constantly say how I was the one and was excited about our future together, marriage, children etc. Unfortunately he suffered a massive below to his self esteem when he got rejected from his dream career, it sent him very quickly into depression and he became very cold and distance. I have been depressed myself and I know how vital it is to receive support and be there for someone even if they don’t think that’s what they need, so I did my very best to be there for him but the more I tired to save our relationship the more he pulled away, he started going out all night getting completely wasted and the only time I heard from him was when I called and when we did speak as he seemed resentful of the way things were going well in my career and life. The ironic thing was that during this time when we did actually send time together we got on so well, it was like there was nothing wrong and he seemed happy. Needless to say that I found this situation incredibly hard but I stuck with it because I truly believed that if he could get through this that we could be happy again and have the future we imagined.
    In the end all of my efforts were futile as he decided to leave me with a mass of contradicting words, he said that he loved me and that he was happy with me but that he wasn’t happy in general and that the only way for him to resolve this was to break up with me and be on his own, he also asked if I would take him back in the future but didn’t want us to just have a temporary break or for me to wait for him, he kept saying how that he knew that he was going to regret this but it was something he needed to do but didn’t want to do.
    Now I am left here struggling to make sense of it all. We are still in contact a little bit and he still tells me that he loves and misses me but that he still thinks he’s made the right decision but wants us to be friends and he wants to be there to support me through this, which honestly just serves to confuse me even more. It also frustrates and angers me talking to him as he still is not trying to get over his depression but seems to be just trying to escape and run away from his problems rather than dealing with them, which was the whole reason he threw away our relationship in the first place!
    The trouble is as selfish as it sounds I don’t want to just be friends and I know the I probably should cut all contract but there is a large part of me that thinks that if I can still be present in his life that he might realise that he has made a mistake and finally sort himself out so that we can get back together.
    I’m just so confused and miserable at the moment and trying extremely hard to not fall into depression myself.

    • Cass says:

      Fey…

      My story is below and it is yours too. But I while I dont have all the answers I’m now a year out from the day my ex dropped the same bomb on me as yours did you. What I wanted to say to you is please do not think you are selfish for not wanting to be friends…its not selfish at all. One it is not the future he promised or what you signed on for, two if you can’t do it -its ok we cant be just friends with the one we love and wanted forever with as its just painful and does not allow you to move on. That said I dont say give up instantly as sometimes its a stop gap to healing but only if they are working on their healing and sadly it sounds as if he is not. My ex did the exact same thing -drinking and all wanting me to wait but yet not -he never actually let me as no matter what I did to cut contact he would find himself contacting me again…and again like now.

      I know its not an answer per say but your not alone. Take care of you and never let guilt take you….you did nothing wrong. It is hard and now is the worst and only you know what you can handle. When it does become too much for you then step away for you -he will only realize his mistake -his sickness- when he gets help and only then can you have a chance at a future. You too are a victim to this depression and I had to say no more when I realized all too late the toll it had taken on me. Just be honest with him and while he never set out in a malice way to hurt you he cannot close his eyes to the pain and damage he caused you. But the power we have to find as the partner is to walk away before we become as depressed as them so we can fight for us. Loving him is ok but love you more!

      I wish you all the best and hope for some peace soon

  8. cass says:

    I find myself after 4 months coming back to this site again comforted by finding my story… a story of so many others and knowing I’m not alone. 4 months ago I told my axe I just couldn’t do it anymore we’re in the process of trying again after 9 months of a roller coaster break up. 1 since the day he left me did he quit saying he loved me and his decision to leave me was always to push me out of the way and save me from the chaos Seefeldt a depression because of my life… not to mention the bankruptcy and I did financial and legal burdens he had. that’ll sad when we started trying it was good you’re taking it very slow but I could see a glimmer of the man I fell in love with and I was happy to go as slow as needed and take as long as it needed to see him recovering heal. before I knew it it seems like we weren’t really trying at all… well at least he wasn’t trying he said he was he said he wanted to same thing. I finally made my mind up after couple weeks realizing he never asked how I was anymore to say something and if I couldn’t handle the answer but I had to walk away to save myself because I was now crying and depressed at night every single day. I called him on Sunday and he was still sleeping at 3 p.m. despite his son waiting for him on the couch to watch the football game, how he was all we had how to say was how he was tired, depressed, missed his daughter and I soon realized nothing changed at all actually had gotten worse. I ask him again when he wanted… he told me exactly what I wanted to hear and I told him that’s what I wanted but it didn’t feel like we’re really trying… that he was really trying and then he agreed with me that he wasn’t really trying not because he didn’t want to do the same just didn’t have the energy and couldn’t do it anymore anyways sorry keep hurting me if I wasn’t sure what I can do it anymore either maybe I was right and we shouldn’t talk again. we talked a little it was fruitless mostly I cried and he kept saying baby I’m sorry I can’t hear you…. then it ended with me on the phone crying and telling him how much I love him and how I just wanted him to be happy and loving self as much as I love him and that no matter what happened to my front of us I wanted him to be happy. I could hear him breathing on the phone but he said nothing I cried more and I asked if you had anything to say and wanted to even say goodbye he said nothing I cried and cried and he just listened finally I hung up after about 20 minutes. fast forward for months later no contact with missus birthday Thanksgiving Christmas New Year’s and Valentine’s Day and suddenly here he is messaging me again obably it comes right when I’ve been thinking about him a lot again not to mention on the same day I just got a letter I wrote him and didn’t remember writing and the same day someone else asked about it for the first time…. I have been desperately wanting to contact stuff from your mother just to see if he was okay getting any better. it was like a new like always he can read me if he was reaching out to me when he knew I wanted to talk to him. scared and shocked wifi first message didn’t know what to do… always said with how are you? I decided I would answer because that is what I really wanted I wanted to know how he was and I would want him to answer the other way. I just gave him a brief statement time I was at work late because we’re figuring a new job and it was good.. when I asked how he was. his response came the next day; “oh sorry look like you’re online”…. nothing else to finally a day later I said no worries… then later that day he asked if I’m still looking for new truck…. he does work at a car dealership is used car manager and I have been trying to find something for a year it was 1 of the problems in a relationship that seem to cause depression to be worse… 1 of those things he just didn’t have the money to fix. now I’m baffled confused as to why he’s contact me after so much time to file and what he really wants. does he miss me why they just trying to sell me a car? I answered and said I was looking at a couple right now because I am… but if that’s always contact me for it will kill me. now it’s been another 48 hours and I’ve been sitting here anxiously waiting for response I feel I can’t take it anymore I want to know what he wants and I’m scared on what to do….i stroll love him and I believe he’s my soulmate but I can lower myself to get hurt that bad again and when I do want to talk to my only want to talk to me if things are getting better if he’s getting treatment.

    I know this is a really long post anybody has any advice I greatly appreciate it. Thank you all for your strength courage

  9. Eve says:

    I find now my story belongs here – ‘Trying to heal after the final break’.
    I have posted a comment on communicating with a depressed partner some 4 months ago, this was just before my ex came back into my life. I was under the false hope that finally the love of my life was getting help and things were looking bright for the future.

    Two weeks ago she ended the relationship again, this time she is adamant it’s for the final time. I still feel in shock and just manage to do simple things during the day to keep me going. My thoughts are still with her and I do feel compassion for her. I knew over the last 4 months when we reconnected things started going downhill – her depression seemed to get worse. She was drinking more and isolating herself when she could. I do wish i had put the brakes on and told her I would step away while she got help. Instead she ends it with me by saying she has no feelings for me anymore, isn’t in love and dismisses the strong connection we use to have.

    I know i have to give her space and try to move on. I saw her last night for the first time since the break up. She is a shell of the person i fell in love with. There is no sparkle in her eye and there hasn’t been for a long time. She has started a diet and seems to have started looking after herself- although she was good at band-aid fixes and not getting proper therapy or meds for her depression.

    I still want to be there as a friend for her, but it does seem like she is not giving me a lot of energy for this at the moment. I will pull back the contact and try to focus on myself. It is very hard to let go when you still love someone you envisaged growing old with.

  10. imoon says:

    Hello.
    Sorry that this is going to be long. I can tell…

    I am just looking for somebody to talk things through and listen to me. As sometimes as you may know, friends and family don’t understand the ‘waiting’ etc, when all they can see is from their perspective that someone hurt you therefore you should not give them your patience, nor love. You understand me right.

    Okay so, my boyfriend (of 2 years) broke up with me a week ago. We are currently long distance as I am University, but I spent a lot of time at home where he is – months on end of the Summer at home, and pretty much every day I am home was with him. Anyway, we were infatuated with each other. We had just spent Christmas with each other too – and everything was fine. We were perfect and he has even said things like he would be lost without me and that I am the best that has ever happened and everything like that – we were the strongest and he was madly in love with me, he made sure I knew this.
    Until 2 weeks ago – I moved back here, and in that week he was VERY down and kept telling me how much he missed me and the only thing that would make him better would be if I was there. I didn’t think much of this and thought it was just the sadness of getting used to me being away at uni again for a few weeks. I am home soon again anyway and we had made plans between that time of being home to see each other. Everything was good!

    Anyway, he broke up last week. SO out of the blue. He said the reasons such as that he can’t be with me anymore, he is so down, he feels he has no prospect in his life, in a sh** job and that I can’t be in all of this with him without it affecting me. He kept telling me that he loved me whilst breaking up with me, but that he couldn’t do this anymore. That I deserve better. And that it had been on his mind for a while, but he thought he could get past it but obviously couldn’t. He said he that he feels that he is going to into a depression and he needs to be alone and needs to be alone relationship wise. He kept saying sorry and repeatedly said, for me not to hate him, and begged that I am his friend, as I am his ‘best friend’ and he can’t deal with loosing me as a friend as he will need his friends when he is better etc etc.
    I feel numb, and as if none of this is right/happening in my head. He is the love of my life.

    Stupidly, yes, and naturally, the past few days I have kinda gone on about how much I love him and will help him through this and how this isn’t right…He hasn’t replied for the past couple of days.
    I said stuff like that I know we both know it is still there and to just forget it for now and that its my choice to wait and try later, and that i just hold hope as everyone has to hold hope for the best things in life.
    But he simply replied with that it’s ‘not likely, and i dont want you to wait like this’ as he said a main factor in this is my happiness. He said i need to be active in dealing and getting through this. And then (I think and hope he did this for perspective/to try push me away) – he mentioned what if he was to meet someone else months/year or so down the line and that i would be crushed. He said i need to start dealing instead of waiting, for him.
    He said that he does care about me but that is not a reason to wait for him as I will end up heartbroken, and that we are over as a couple, and our memories will always be his favourite. He said to not make it harder on myself as it could end in us not being friends. I don’t know whether this is just his depressed mind saying this as he knows he can’t make me happy right now and believes I deserve someone who can make me happy, and that he is just trying to push me away as he thinks it’s better for me in the long run.

    When I mentioned that maybe he should see someone if it’s serious he said he is honestly fine and just needs time. I think that part of it is because he is frightened to see someone because his dad was sectioned from depression. Obviously i reassured him it would not come to that it could simply be talking to someone.

    Although he has said to me that it is over and I need to accept that and try to move on – part of me has hope. I am hoping that us not talking for a while will make him realise how much I love him and how he still does care under this cloud of darkness. But then again I also naturally worry that he finds comfort in someone else, hiding from this in someone else.
    I told him I will wait for him but he said not to.

    I don’t know what to think or feel anymore. I feel numb. But I still feel slightly slightly okay because I feel that there is hope for later on – despite him knocking me back. I can’t accept that it simply ends here.

    I know that I need to look after myself and think about myself in the long run but for now, I am not ready to give up.

    I feel as if (although he isn’t talking to me at the min) – that if I give him some space at the min (he said he didn’t need space as it wasn’t my fault/me at all), that maybe it will make everything a little better. The whole distance makes the heart grow fonder saying… But then again he may just think me not talking is me trying to come to terms with this and feels as if him pestering me (despite begging me to be his friend still) is just giving him time to feel better with it all too…it’s driving me insane. I just don’t understand how he can say out right it’s over and we won’t try – is he trying to convince himself this is right – will he realise and change his mind that we can try again, like many stories in this thread? This breaks my heart. I know he loves me under this.

    Today I am feeling more low than I have so far…not a good day today.

    It just hurts you know, him telling me that it is over and that I shouldn’t wait for him – I know he is saying that so we can ‘be friends’ without me expecting more each time I was to see him, and for me to deal with this as soon as possible without waiting around and being more heartbroken. But he knows how I feel.

    It can’t go from perfect, to not wanting me so fast!?

    And what really hurts is seeing him going out to gigs and stuff when I can’t even bring myself to get out of bed or do anything…!?

    Please help me.

    • Christina says:

      When I read your comment, it almost made me cry again because of how exactly it mirrored my situation. My girlfriend, too, broke up with me and said all sorts of incredibly hurtful things: I caused her depression, she deserved to be treated better, she’s felt more like herself in the first two days after we broke up than for the last two months, etc. I, too, tried telling her that I loved her, I’m sorry I couldn’t fulfil her needs like she needed to, and that was my door was always open. To say I was devastated by this completely out-of-the-blue would be a massive understatement: for the entire first week after, I could barely eat anything and felt like throwing up all day, every day. She was the one who made me change my views on love and marriage, and I felt with every fibre of my being that she was ‘it’ for me.

      However, in the time since then (and it hasn’t been that long at all), talking the ears off of all my friends and family has helped, as has blogging about it. I’m at the point where I just can’t find room within myself to be angry at her, because I understand that in her state of mind, she acted to the best of her abilities and did what she thought she had to do. Do I agree with her choice? Not for a second. But she has a s*** ton on her plate and obviously isn’t capable of a relationship, no matter how much support I gave and could have given.

      What helped me is viewing the situation like she died. And in a way, she did. Depression robs people of their personalities and turns them into something wholly unrecognisable. I know this is the last thing you want to hear (because it was the last thing I wanted to hear), but the best thing you can do for yourself is not contact your ex and try to move past the breakup. When he sees a text from you, his warped state of mind will interpret it as it being all about your needs and how right he was about the breakup. If he texts, great! Respond, but be non-committal. Saying anything about your feelings or relationship just adds pressure that he won’t be ready to handle.

      And keep your life as busy and full of routine as possible. Pet dogs and cats. It’s pretty hard to focus on how numb and devastated you are when a puppy gazes up at you with big eyes and licks your hand. Plus, the more that you belong to, the less *all* of your energy and thoughts about the breakup will be focused on.

      You can get through this, no matter how little you may feel like it or want to. I promise you there will come a day when you stop crying or don’t feel like throwing up.

      • imoon says:

        Hello.
        Thank you for replying.
        I am sorry to hear that you had blame put upon yourself – I hope you are not still or never infact, did blame yourself for any of what happened.
        Luckily I was reassured that none of this whole situation was to do with/was my fault whatsoever. Which made it harder I guess, too in a way.

        I am trying my very best to keep my head up and bury myself in my University work. Proving very difficult but I know once I am past the little barrier that is finding it so hard, and I have inspiration again it will be a very good distraction from everything else in my head.

        I am trying not to contact him. I actually feel relitavely okay about that right now. He however has texted me a few times, asking how I am and when I did not reply he further asked if I was not talking to him. I did reply to this and told him that I needed to get my thoughts together as it had not been long and I still held the same feelings/was confused. In which he replied with saying he knew I wouldn’t be used to it, and that he is also still getting used to it himself…You see, he wants me to be his friend VERY badly. But obviously that will take time, I know.

        We are going to a concert together in March and about that situation he said that he is – looking forward to seeing me again, and that he knows it will be awkward but can we please try and get past that to enjoy the gig…

        He also says that depression makes a person say and do things that they know are wrong and are not what they really want.

        I have read so many stories of depressed people saying that they need to be alone relationship wise because of all the factors they cannot handle having a relationship at that time. And that, however, when they are better the love/loving feelings return.
        This is the only thing that I am hoping for. Despite him saying not to wait for him – I am holding that hope in the very back of my head, behind the priority of being busy/keeping my head up right now. Because I love him with all my being and I just hope to god we could start again :(

        • imoon says:

          CORRECTION…..

          Sorry, I meant ***I’ve also read that depression makes a person say and do things hat they know are wrong and not what they really want

          • Christina says:

            I really hope it works out for you and that your boyfriend gets the help he so desperately needs. It’s one of the toughest things in the world, watching someone you love go through something as wrenching as depression.

            Be his friend only if you think you’re physically, emotionally, psychologically and mentally capable of doing so, because if you wreck yourself, there’s no way in hell you can be there for another person who demands so much more than you do.

            Keep doing what you’re doing. Bury yourself in schoolwork, get out there- but remember to tend to your needs. Don’t ignore yourself. For me personally, I just couldn’t do anything for the first week after we broke up. That meant I didn’t get my errands done, I didn’t do my school readings, I didn’t go play hockey. And you know what? The world still kept turning.

            You’ll be alright. Just hang in there, m’kay?

  11. Mitzy says:

    Whether meaning to or not, I was equated with responsibility. Carrying responsibility was impossible for him to do. He was just too immature and needy to ever be there for anyone else. He was doing me a “favor” to get off his rear to do anything, and if I didn’t show gushing appreciation, he refused to do anything at all, or shut me out entirely.
    Someone always had to be the parent, or the child. Never mutual maturity. He said I kept him a prisioner. It wasn’t me it was his inability to deal with life maturely, consistantly or responsibly. He always acted like being a “grownup” was an option on his part, and his “childlike” retreats were my job to maintain.
    Then wham, you got the “adult” part of him and needed to just step aside and let him be one, only to within a few days, just get dumped on and he was back to being a child, and totally dependant on me to be mom, then he starts to resent “mom”, and here we go. Roller coaster with a depressed person. Explosion! Blame! Tantrums! Default! Control! Abandonment! Dictator! Escapee! Child looking for a “parent” and resenting it too.

    • Eirie says:

      Mitzy, I wrote last year and after a few months apart fell back into the belief in him and his fantasies that he and I could make it.

      He had to open up the many pockets of lies that shield him from responsibility and commitment.

      You just told me why after another 7 months we are exactly where we were last April. I AM commitment. I am responsibility and I am something he has to make an effort to have.

      It’s not wrong thy we are. We probably like committing and being responsible to our loved ones. It enriches and enhances our life and times.

      Not for them though, I am learning I am the dreaded hated horrible thing that kills his ability to maintain his survival tactics. His depressed waif like, bpd lifestyle.

      I am sad. For you and for me and, yeah, for them. I am sad.

      Eirie

  12. Mitzy says:

    How do you deal with the “no contact” aspects of healing when there is so much unfinished business? I constantly deal with the reality that “I drove him away” because most of the time he was here, he wasn’t “here” but more into his deep depression. He was needy, and gave little. His ego and phsychological state required constant praise and deferment. The world HAD to center around him and what mood he had “on” that day. I had to be a mind reader, and never talk about MY needs or just “pretend” his were always more important.
    He would start stuff and then abruptly stop, promise to be supportive then pulll the rug out from under me and check out, if we talked at all he would NEED to rescue me from the stuff that or disaster he had created by his needy non support of anything but him and his goals, that he then prompttly wwithdrew from, if I let him “in” he wanted out and then it started all over again, this cycle of in one day and out the next. the roller coaster ride.

    • Eirie says:

      Mitzy, I wrote last year and after a few months apart fell back into the belief in him and his fantasies that he and I could make it.

      He had to open up the many pockets of lies that shield him from responsibility and commitment.

      You just told me why after another 7 months we are exactly where we were last April. I AM commitment. I AM responsibility and I AM something he has to make an effort to have.

      It’s not wrong that we are. We probably like committing and being responsible to our loved ones. It enriches and enhances our life and times.

      Not for them though, I am learning I am the dreaded hated horrible thing that kills his ability to maintain his survival tactics. His depressed waif like, bpd lifestyle.

      No contact. I shake my head. How do I make myself want no contact when what I want is for him to hear and see himself and be the real person who I see under all his illusions of perfection and grandeur. I love the real him. He isn’t dramatic or extraordinary and won’t have 24/7 feedback about how awesome he is for eleven months of the year. But he is able, he works hard, and he has his own gifts and abilities that are appreciated. Not enough for his needs though I guess. His lies get him the value he can’t find within his real and wonderful self.

      No contact. My god. How DO we do it?

      I am sad. For you and for me and, yeah, for them. I am sad.

      Eirie

  13. Melissa says:

    Well, here I am with an update on my own personal story.
    I wrote about a year ago to talk about what happened with me and someone I believed was the ‘one’. I met him through a colleague at work. He actually broke up with her in the midst of meeting me. They had been together for 13 or so years since highschool and there were always problems but the depression was his main priority in trying to get better. We were talking about living together, we fell in love quickly but it all felt very natural and we were both surprised how this happened out of the blue. He showed me where his grandparents once lived, his childhood spots, and he said he saw us years from now with kids, being very happy together with what we simply have. His depression began to spiral down and he wasn’t making any ground. I gave him space and he had pretty much lost all hope. His therapist recommended to just finally get better without our relationship (it had been kept secret from his family and friends because his ex/my coworker) didn’t know and she hated me with a passion. We were both very stressed out with that……Anyways, when you love someone you just want tthem to get better and be happy. I gave him space and we broke up. I respected that. I found out (after moving to a new company) that 4 months ago they got back together and today I learned she is pregnant. I cried and I am still in shock. After everything we talked about and the space I gave him to get better, this is what happens. She treated him quite badly and I saw how she walked over him with her demands and guilt-trips on how he wasted her time, how she’d never be able to have kids (back when they broke up). He was totally at peace with the break up and said himself he felt bad for saying this, but that losing the cottage felt worse than losing her.
    Who knows. I mean, I don’t know anything anymore. Thank god I got another job at another company but hearing this news was devastating. I wish he would have told me rather than hearing it from a colleague. Just as a sign of respect. I think he is embarrassed and ashamed and he probably felt he had killed any chance when we broke up but this is reality and I’m trying to adjust.
    I guess there aren’t always happy endings. I feel bad for him and disappointed in him too.
    Anyways, good luck everyone. I wish you all truly well. Life is not easy and I guess this is another one of those examples…..
    Take care,

    Melissa

    • Eirie says:

      Oh Melissa,

      You are good and caring and still and may always, love him or the memories o the two of you that were good.

      But he still loved her. He wanted to be walked on. He wants to be in drama and pain. He wants the adrenaline and anxiety that comes from these and makes him feel how he did as a child. Sadly we all seem to want what we learned life is unless huge focused internal evaluation and personal commitment follow any ideas we have of changing our life’s expectation. I know how hard this is as I struggle daily to make sure I raise my children in ways I wasn’t..it’s even harder when relationships pull and tug at the child within and the need to be safe overwhelms.

      A side note: Sweetie, NEVER have a secret relationship again. Demand honor, respect, pride, and a want to celebrate the relationship. Uncomfortable past stuff is unfinished business. Avoid that like you might avoid anything that could bring the feelings you had when you wrote this letter. Demand that unfinished relationships be ended before you take another step together with anyone. It just makes sense…..

      Or you will cycle through this torture again.

      You probably were the dream woman. The good, kind, caring, comfortable, forgiving, understanding, wished for “perfect” mom/girlfriend for a guy who never experienced healthy mothering. Not saying you “mommed” him. But in contrast to the old gf, and seeing him go back to her, leads me to believe he vacationed in fantasy land with you. Honestly, as any of us would, you probably loved being all he ever wanted. Adored, you more than likely gave more and more, and you probably expected responsibility and commitment to match all this love. You still wish he would act respectfully and responsibly.

      *Sigh*

      Yes I am analyzing my relationships as I use yours.
      If I am really nowhere near getting it.. Tell me. I want to know if I am lost.

      He went back to what he will probably always want. He went back to his version of what he deserves and feels worthy of…what he can trust.

      Be glad you are who you are. Keep telling yourself this. Over and over and over. Look at his choice. You simply couldn’t be her.
      Smile. This is a good thing. A very good thing.

      Eirie

    • Jesse says:

      Melissa,

      Very sorry to hear about your tale. You sound like a great person and you deserve to find happiness. Don’t overlook the shy guys with glasses at the bar/pub, I’m most likely one of them and trust me we are good people ;)

      Our stories are a little different, but with mine the end came similarly. My ex-gf of 2 years had a major depressive episode and suddenly dumped me at the suggestion of her therapist. And I mean suddenly; I took a day off work to visit her in the hospital and we had a lovely day together. 2 days later she told me it was over, *snap* just like that, and that her therapist had been the one to suggest the break up.

      Is this normal??? I didn’t think therapists were supposed to dictate life changes like that.

      This was 2 months ago and I haven’t heard from her since. Needless to say like everyone here I’m pretty devastated. I’d understand if I actually had something to do with the depression, but I didn’t. Her depression was triggered by a career ending injury (she’s an elite marathon runner that had competed in the Commonwealth games), her parents getting divorced, and her losing her job. Her major episode came when this very same therapist tried to wean her off her medication (she was on really some heavy stuff for 6 months). I was loving and supportive throughout it all, so it leaves me with quite a bit of anger at this therapist. I just don’t understand how giving me the boot is going to help her heal. I hope that purple haired swine that is her doctor knows what he is doing, for my ex-gf’s sake…

      Sigh.

  14. Michelle says:

    Finding this website couldn’t have come at a better time. I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years, and as of two weeks ago he just broke up with me for the 2nd time this year. Ever since I’ve known him he’s battled depression. Sometimes it wouldn’t show for years, and for the last few years its really come to light. He’s gone to therapy for the past 5 years and while it did help for a bit, he clearly is still extremely depressed.

    Earlier this year he had an affair with a co-worker for 5 months. I knew, I just had that feeling. He broke up with me in April, but we still continued to live together (living in SF, it’s quite expensive and hard to find a place these days). I was angry and extremely hurt and betrayed by him. For someone to always tell me he hated cheaters and then did it to me was mind blowing. However I believe in second chances. Around 3 months later he full came clean about the affair and confessed everything to my family and his. He said although there had been problems in our relationship he was willing to seek couple counseling and start over.

    August we started going to couples counseling and boy did that help tremendously! We were making great progress and we both even stopped drinking for a month. The not drinking made us realize that we got into many of our fights this way (he used to be a borderline alcoholic, where as I can tend to binge drink at random times). After our month was over, I occasionally started drinking again which kind of annoyed him. 2 weeks ago there was a birthday party I attended and I proceeded to get extremely intoxicated beyond belief. He arrived at the party and everyone was in that same state of mind. Drama unfolded as someone stole his jacket with his personal belongings and wouldn’t give it back. He ended up getting into a fight with a coworker of mine, and called the police. After that night things would never be the same. I blame myself because at first he blamed me. He said if I wasn’t drunk this never would have happened (which is true). He didn’t speak to me for 2 days, then told me at our counseling session that he is through with the relationship, and will be moving back to Texas in 2 months. He told the therapist and I that the evening made him so angry and it took him back to the dark place he had been for years. Angry, irritable, depressed, rageful. He realized that those issues have never gone away in the past 15 years or so.

    So here I am now, feeling abandoned, and ashamed for my mistake. I feel that I forgave him for his affair, and he can’t forgive me for this one night. But as the therapist and he both made me realize is that it’s not my fault. He is a depressed man, has been for a while, and needs more treatment then therapy. It’s hard to fathom the fact that in 2 months he will be gone. It’s also hard because we are currently still living together (as I go on the search for a new place). My world has been turned upside down and I feel so lost. I want nothing more than to be here for him and help him through his recovery. But he doesn’t want my support, he wants to go home and have the support of his family. I don’t know how I will be able to heal. I want him back so bad. I long for the old relationship, so reading this blog makes me realize this is normal. This blog has helped me a lot. I just wish I could change his mind, I wish he would seek therapy and medication (which he was so against all these years till about two weeks ago) and see where it could take him, then later on us. Sorry for the rant, at time I feel I can’t talk to my friends about this because they just don’t understand. This community has made me feel less sad and I’ve cried less and less since I’ve been reading it. Thank you all.

  15. DMP says:

    I talked to my depressed, erstwhile partner this weekend. It has been six weeks since she decided she wasn’t able to talk to me. It has been seven weeks since she told me I was the greatest thing in her life, and the person who’d made her happier than anyone ever had.

    This weekend, things started OK. She sounded better than when I’d tried to talk to her three weeks ago (my last attempt). But just when I got my hopes up (a little) and things turned to “us” it all fell apart again, as she stated painting a narrative of our time together that has nothing whatsoever to do with reality. I was controlling. I have issues I haven’t begun to deal with (when I ask her what she’s talking about her sharp answer: “I am not going to do your work for you!”). Our beautiful 14 months together was “a small amount of good time in the beginning”, etc. If I try to argue that this narrative she’s painting has nothing to do with reality, and try to provide rational examples I get responses like “That’s my opinion take it or leave it.” And so on.

    When I got off the phone. I felt much worse than before. Not only because I got no hope that the person I had loved, and who had loved me as a soul mate for 14 months was ever going to return. But also because her insistence on this alternative I-am-horrible narrative makes me feel like the past 14 months–when I helped her through hard times, when we were incredible close, when I felt so good about myself for all I had done for her, and with her–are now invalidated. How can I feel good about what she is now telling me was a lie? I know I should accept that this is the illness talking. But it is really hard.

    I feel like not only has my best friend in the whole world died, but all the positive feelings I have about the past 14 months, about myself, have been ground up and thrown in my face. I have not only lost her, but I have also lost some of my faith in what I perceived as the most wonderful 14 months of my adult life (I am around 50).

  16. Lauren says:

    it’s such a relief to find this site!
    i am still in shock over my partner leaving me. we have been together for over 4 years and have lived together for all of it. he has been depressed on and off for all of our relationship, but it has never changed his feelings towards me or our relationship. it doesn’t mean it’s never been hard but i never questioned that we would be togther. i also suffer from anxiety.
    i’ve tried hard to convince him to get help, but he wouldn’t. he was always convinced his depression was something external… like if he just got into a certain school he would feel better. but of course, that’s not how depression works…

    he moved across the country at the beginning of september for school. i’ve been a little worried about it in general, because the program is very hard and is setting himself up for a very stressful job. but i was supportive nonetheless. i had a semester to finish here and we planned for me to move to be with him in january. he had been quite depressed since he’s moved away, but was still attending school. i was doing all i could to support him.
    then out of the blue he broke up with me. i am devastated. he’s not blaming anything on me or being mean in any way. he says he still loves me but he can’t be in a relationship. he sounds so sure that he can’t be with me, but it was truly out of nowhere (he says it came out of nowhere for him too.)
    we had planned our lives together. our whole future. i have a wedding dress. i am so sad. i am living here in our apartment still surrounded by our stuff. i just wish i knew how to get through to him, how to make him realize he doesn’t have to go through this alone.
    he is seeking counseling for his depression, but i don’t feel that it’s enough. i am also seeking help for my anxiety. i wish i knew how to fix this. he is the love of my life. but maybe this can’t be fixed, especially from across the country…

  17. Mel says:

    John,

    This site has been such a huge relief to find. It’s amazing when you see that you are not alone in your struggle! My husband is an extremely depressed person who just never truly found the help that he needs. His depression is typically cyclical and the cycles have become shorter and shorter between depressive episodes.

    During our 4 year marriage, he had a four month affair during the first year. We moved to a different state and he still maintained contact with her via email. His depression this year was so bad that I would come home to find him crying after I got off of work. He became more angry and distant during the 6 months before he left. He pushed everyone away that tried to help him. He refused to return friends calls and texts, he started hating his job and finally he started pushing me away.

    His decision to leave me was surprising in one way but in another it was almost an expected event. Whenever he had problems that he didn’t want to face in the past, he would just run from them. He did it in his first marriage, he had an affair and moved to a different state to work for his father. When he left me, he moved back to work for his father and started his relationship with her again.

    We have communicated briefly over the past two months, this past week he has called me 5 out of 7 days to talk. He told me about the girl that he had the affair with and how he will always care for her but that he realizes after moving there that they really don’t have too much in common. I think that I am just a safety net for him at times. He says that he feels hope sometimes that we could work past it but at this point, I am just so emotionally and mentally drained, I just can’t stay on the emotional rollercoaster any longer.

    I decided yesterday that I couldn’t keep this up. The calls and emails need to stop. Your website really helped me to understand that he really needs to seek help. I’ve also come to realize that this entire time we’ve been married, we have been constantly up and down and it truly was never a healthy relationship for me.

    Thank you again for your site and for your helpful information. I did forward the link to him a few months ago when I found it. It truly has helped and continues to help!

  18. Jinny says:

    Oh eirie,

    I read your story and I’m feeling bad for complaining about mine. I really really hope you can find a way to find yourself, find your answers to get back to being you again. It’s not fair that you have to go through that for this long. But it is a disease and whether anyone wants to admit it or not it needs to be treated as such.

    I think one day they wake up and realize they’ve done something terrible. That they’ve been living this fantasy that isn’t reality and has hurt people along the way. I want to believe that, I hope that their actions come back to haunt them so that they can begin to heal.

    Try to make yourself happy even if it’s little by little, try as hard as you can to begin to heal. I purged all the messages and contacts recently, started a journal, and got rid of any reminders. I think it’s important to try and move on. Easier said than done and this is a delicate situation you’re in. I wish you all the best. It just breaks my heart to see people write of how hurt they are and the man in their life is just prancing around oblivious to the hurt.

  19. eirie says:

    This is one of the few places so many women seem to be having my experience rather than men. five years of on and off fantasy and such amazing wonderful good times that the bad seemed possible to bear. but watching what the hard times did to my children wasn’t easy, and i started learning about things a bit more.
    even in the good times i would become obsessed, and this grew into a bit of a compulsive needfulness later on in the relationship, as my fears and anxieties drove so much more of my actions than love and happiness did. i was learning to expect the worst, and it would eventually come everytime and always when we were at out most together and secure and happy. as i relaxed and began to feel like all was good and the relationship could grow and expand, he started the seeking of alternatives. i was always blind to this need of his to be “covered’ or to have multiple sources of comfort or love to remain secure inside himself, and only now do i really see how it has devastated me. only after he left this last time am i able to see that IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT!

    i didnt make him unable to control his cumpulsive need to feel good in every moment. i didnt make him unable to accept himself and thus need acceptance from others 24/7. i didnt make him see any smile or kind word as an invitation to more (after a lifetime of harsh putdowns and abuse) and i certainly didnt compel him to lie to every woman he met who did smile, saying he was single.

    i didnt ask that i be hidden and that he tell others i was an annoying past gf who wouldnt let up on seeking him out. i didnt pester him in texting hi and sending snippets of my day as i asked about his. i was not obnoxious in anyway and i didnt ask that he ever interrupt anything to respond. he was who felt the need for multiple phones to hide the various women who might be communicating with him. my phone was an open book. he was who acted as though i had abandoned him if i said nothing for six hours.

    i didnt make him create me into a monstrous woman so he felt doing what he did was okay and not montrous himself.

    i certainly didnt ask that he lie to me along his way in seeking other women, telling me he loved me and wanted me and finally making me, in the end, the one he occasionally cheated on THEM with.

    no, it was not my fault.

    but it feels like i should have done something better or differently. it feels like i left someone who needs me. it feels like i dont want today if i cant know how he is. it feels like i cant think tomorrow really wont have him there. it feels like i am a louse for doing this to him and i dont want to be that person.

    it seems i should be able to find the way to fix myself and us so that he will be the way he is at times that i loved so much.
    it seems that i should be able to not be bitter or resentful and be fun like the new ones are and not have the issues of knowing he is cheating; after all they dont.
    it seems i should be able to understand that he is sick. thus i should be able to handle it and not get sick myself.

    i know all the feelings i have are unrealistic and just plain wrong in many cases. however, it’s killing me that he isnt caring that i finally have had enough. not a single text. nothing.

    yesterday, and all the days he spoke or wrote to me for five years, he couldnt live without me, but while he pretended to sleep after six last night, he went out with her. he has the secret messaging sites that they use till three or four in the morning.
    then he sometimes comes around to say he just woke up and can he get hugs (and…) and sleep with me? he is missing me so much. he forgets he missed me in the morning, though, as she picks him up for work, and they spend the day together there.

    ten months he has known her. she wont last, but she is the one killing me. not him, of course not him, her.
    i am so hurting.

    i know i have to do something to help me. it’s just so hard to want to.

    i started taking celexa a couple months ago. i dont cry now so much. for a month i was actually making beds and plans and shopping and functioning. but as i see the true futility in hoping for a real relationship where there shoulda woulda coulda been one…i am losing the want to bother and just dont know what to do. yes. i am a fool. i want one thing. him back as we were in the good times. i know, not possible, but that is what i want.

    • debbie says:

      Eirie,

      Your story is so like mine, I feel for you so much.

      Its interesting you speak of fear and anxiety driving your actions. Only today I have thought that my reason for being unable to let go of this toxic relationship is fear. He has manipulated me for almost a year to such a great extent that sometimes I have him on a pedestal and believe that the whole world thinks he’s a hero and that I am an awful person. He says he wants me back, yet he is still involved with his new woman, its just that he has no money and is about to loose the roof over his head. That should be her problem now, not mine. Except he doesn’t let her see that side of him.

      But maybe I fear that I will one day regret turning him away? I fear that one day I will see him with a beautiful woman, living a wonderful life and I will be devastated that he isn’t sharing that life with me. Though in reality I believe he is practically in the gutter, ruined by drugs, drowning in debt, friendless, and that no self-respecting woman would look at him, I am struggling with the image of him suffering.

      Leaving him to sink to such depths became my choice, however, as too many times I have bailed him out, paid his debts, allowed him back in my bed, made excuses for him. And that teaches him nothing except that its ok to treat me like this.

      If this is truly how he is, I feel responsible (even though I’m not) and that gives me fear. If he is at the other end of the spectrum, as his stories would have me believe, and he is living the dream, from which I’m excluded, thoughts of this also fill me with fear.

      But then, why is he asking me to take him back if he is living the dream?

      He is messing with my head. And I am living in fear. And its time for me to make it stop.

      Eirie, that constant need for approval from other women, that disloyal talk of being single, that interpretation of every smile or kind word from a woman as a sign that someone thinks he’s wonderful.. I have lived with all that throughout our eleven year relationship. You and I deserve better than that. We know we do.

      Big hugs,

      Deb.

    • John Folk-Williams says:

      Hi, eirie -

      Your two comments tell such a painful story, and I most want to tell you that you are not a fool, not to blame, not a louse, that there is nothing you could do to “fix myself and us” with a man who is acting like this. I have not only heard several stories like this where depressive behavior turns to emotional and psychological abuse – I’ve done it myself. Perhaps the abuse started first – I can’t pretend to know, but even depressed people have to accept responsibility for inflicting personal pain in such a sustained and callous way. At least, they are responsible for recognizing depression and making recovery the first priority of their lives. Whatever the cause of his behavior, his behavior points to someone who is not interested in real intimacy. That takes constant effort and a lot of empathy for your partner. Seeking the high of other relationships that are free of real responsibility, that fill the endless need for gratification is much more about addiction than a life relationship with another person. I would urge you to find a good therapist rather than rely on medication alone – a therapist who has a lot of experience dealing with situations like this. Going to a therapist doesn’t mean you’re ill, it’s just a way of dealing with all the abuse you’ve had to live with and sort out your needs rather than his. You’re a strong, loving person who deserves a life free of deception and abuse.

      John

      • eirie says:

        so scared. not of him..how sick is that…so scared of not being wanted and needed.

        now this is real…what i just wrote and i stare at it…for fifteen minutes and counting.

        he has been chasing and wanting and crushing out and fantasizing about another woman for ten months…and in that time they stay up all night and do all the things he wont with me….movies, books, music , art and photography sharing…all that he USED to do with me. it’s hers now.

        but i am scared i wont have this guy in my life if i leave him and honestly i don’t know how to leave..i try. and then i am calling him. i try again and i am emailing him. i hate the days he doesn’t care that i am not there. ok. yes i need something. but i tried a therapist twice. once she wanted to discuss how i had to see things differently…like an uninformed anyone and i had to finally say to her…this is all great, and if i could do that i wouldn’t be here. i KNOW i need to do that…but i don’t know HOW.

        and the other wanted me to analyse my past and i have done that..i know why and all that..i know i need to be needed and that was the only way my parents knew i existed and i know i wish my abusive dad loved me rather than the gf’s he had as i grew up after he quit abusing me and assumed that i didn’t know he had as i must have been too young to remember and i know that i find myself remembering the bf with the gf’s on the side who was my first teenage love and that i am trying to heal all that and all my other lack of worth issues if maybe this guy would find me worthy..i know….but i still don’t know how to walk away…

        i read about ptsd and i swear i have it.

        okay so what am i to do? live away from my daughter as an inpatient? where someone could oversee my sad addicted behavior and keep me from the internet or phone?

        idk idk

        and in some ways i find me acting like him sometimes back at him…in mean ways that aren’t me…god i hate that. anyway…been a bad day. and i am venting..i am sorry.
        thank you for allowing me to be here.
        and thank all the rest of you for sharing. i read you everyday and mentally tell u my opinion and what to do and then i do the same for me and try so hard to do it…but then i miss him so much i am crushed and cant breath. why? idk

        i want him to no longer want her and to give me back all his time with her so i am not hurt. i want love to not hurt.

        ~e~

  20. Jinny says:

    I too, have gone through a similar story as most people here. I was only with my boyfriend for nearly 4 months when he suddenly withdrew about a month ago saying that he wasn’t doing well. Our relationship was beautiful and thoughtful, he said the right things and we were moving at a steady pace. We were nearing a serious committed relationship and I still feel very strongly for him. We never fought or argued, our only disagreement was regarding lack in communication (he’s a resident physician so he didn’t have time to begin with.) other than that, he made time for me and things were really doing very well.

    About 3 weeks ago we were not communicating and I finally asked him what was wrong, he told me that he was having a personal crisis and took his vacation time to be with family a few hundred miles away. He told me it wasn’t my fault, that he needed to work things out, and that he wasn’t ready for a relationship at this time. I’ve had limited contact with him since I want to distance myself in order for him to do what he needs. But I’m so broken and hurt by his cowardly behavior of just leaving with no explanation…I told him I want to talk about things, and I think it’s right that we do since I don’t know anything really, just that he says “it’s my fault.”. He told me he’ll be back soon and now I wait…but, I’m looking at these posts and I think ‘what am I waiting for?’. Since he’s feeling better maybe I can listen and be there for him, and I want to. But another part of me wants to salvage myself and just cut my losses. But I feel very strongly for him in so many ways that I don’t want to give up hope for the possibility of reconciliation, I know he has to miss me. I’m hoping, anyway.

    Thank you for the light shed on this subject. It is really a tough thing to have someone walk away and turn into someone you don’t know.

  21. Heather says:

    Debbie, the sense is the same over and over again, mixed messages, blame, on again off again. Today I packed the last items from the house we shared, he wanted me gone, and said our last goodbye, of course I’m devastated, but can’t love the man he’s turned into, but can’t unlove the man I fell in love with, before the depression took over.

    I’m sorry you are going through this, but I think sharing the crazy feelings we have in our minds and hearts about this is one of the ways we can all get through it.

    My therapist reminded me again this week, that
    “People with depression, create problems for other people, and they either don’t care or don’t know, the chaos that they are creating” I try and remember that I didn’t cause his depression, that it wasn’t my fault, yet days like today, I can’t help but blame myself.

    • debbie says:

      Thank you so much, Heather, for sharing this. I so hope your pain eases, even though like you I cannot see how the healing will begin. It is almost like a death. Or at least it is now I’ve realised I can never have the man I chose back. I dont know if its harder knowing this or if it was harder when I believed I might one day find him again.

      Every day a new lie of his comes to light, even when I am not even seeking new information. I dont want to live in a soap opera anymore, I just want a peaceful life.

      Love and best wishes to you Heather.

      • eirie says:

        oh god i understand how you feel. so much.

        the lies…they drive us insane dont they? its like there is no way to leave, heal, or move on if we are stuck not knowing if our assumptions or the answers that seem askew are real. what was the truth? no matter how often we realize we cant honestly know and that we cant let it matter much, IT DOES!

        did he really do what i am so sure he did, or was he asleep as he says?
        did he really spend that on what he says, or is he hiding the bank statement on purpose?
        did he really work this morning or did they have breakfast since i was cut off from all phone and text access, and that is usually only during what i call, masochistically, “her” time, and since he wasnt at the store? i wish so much that i hadnt tried to reach him, so i wouldnt wonder.

        and on and on it goes.

        funny thing is happening to me. he WANTS me back and i said i cant consider it with out the truth. it’s killing me. the TRUTH HURTS. BADLY.

        so far all i thought based on how it was with him when we had our first years, and how i know he is, and what was missing between us this past year, combined with some pisces intuition has all apparently been on target.

        do you want to know you were right? i personally am discovering every minute of the last four days that i have not wanted to be right at all. now i am stuck in a weird place.

        he and she swirl through my brain in all the ways as before, but now i know it’s real, and they were doing all that and the other. i can no longer stop the hard knowledge with his lies, when i know its true. i have to deal with it. and uh oh! i dont have a clue how to do this either.

        this sounds ridiculous as i re-read me. i know… but its real and i guess i am going a bit crazy. i am glad to see that (though i wished some names here could have healed and no longer need to write.) i am not alone in my desperate longing for fantasy to be real, nor am i the only one wishing for the one i once knew to be allowed by himself

        can i get angry…oh no, of course not. i promised if he would tell me the truths, i wouldnt leave and we would work to some sort of place that is positive for us both. (i think she turned him down…or?)

        sleepy
        thank you all for being here. if you discover a special way to heal….please share.

  22. debbie says:

    Today I have told him, I feel for the last time, that no, I wont be giving our relationship another chance. How can I? Its not the first time he has left. Its not the first time he has thought a different partner would be the answer to his problems. Its not the first time he has expected me to bail him out of thousands of pounds of debt that I cannot afford.

    Only this time he has sunk to new depths. He has lost his job, become involved in drugs and drink, continued to alternate between stories of another woman and stories that she is in the past. He has even had a tattoo describing the revenge he wants to have against me; the woman he blames for everything. This time he refuses to get help. He has failed to contact the psychiatrist his doctor has referred him to because.. well, he just doesn’t want to.

    No wonder then that his plea for another chance leaves me cold and certain that he wants me only because he has nothing left.

    I have to think of my children now (they are not his, and he has shown them nothing but hostility for twelve years, I am ashamed to admit).

    So I have turned away (for the final time) the man I used to love. The man I have broken my heart over for the past 10 months. I had the choice. He stood on my doorstep and asked me to reconsider. I could have had him back. But he is not my man. How hard is it to reconcile that? Only you lovely people here can understand that, because I couldn’t understand it myself before I met you. He is gone. I cant make him come back. I could have had the sick man back. But I can’t cope with him. So I am alone.

    • John Folk-Williams says:

      Hi, debbie -

      In light of what you said in your two comments about this man’s behavior, I can only hope that this is the last time that you turn him away. It sounds as if both your health and safety could be at risk. You seem to have had all the right advice, yet suggest – if I’m reading you correctly – that you are drawn to help him and hold onto the relationship in spite of everything?? Clearly he needs help that you can’t give him, and just as clearly he needs to take responsibility for getting well himself. Refusing to get help is one way some people hold on to others – in effect, pushing all responsibility for their lives to someone else. Then they always have that person to blame. Vulnerability of that type, I think, is manipulative. You’re so right that it’s only the sick man you can have in your life, and it sounds like neither you nor anyone else could keep themselves whole in the midst of his sickness.

      You’re doing the right thing for you and your children.

      John

      • debbie says:

        Hi John,

        Thank you so much for your insights.

        I was shocked at first at how certain you are that I have to make this break. You are quite right, I remain drawn to this losing battle. Then I re-read my comments, tried to take a step back and read them as another person might. It was like a lightbulb moment!! All those reasons, all that abuse.

        So I read it again and asked myself have I been accurate and fair in my assessment of him. And yes… I have. Everything I have stated is either what I know to be true or what he has told me himself, which may possibly be true, but if not, is what he wants me to believe about him. Either way it paints a pretty ugly picture.

        It has helped me a lot that you feel I am doing the right thing, particularly for my children. I feel this may well be the start of my recovery at last.

        Thank you, John, you are a true inspiration to us all.

        Debbie.

        • John Folk-Williams says:

          Hi, debbie -

          I don’t often get that direct but when I do I usually mention that I’m just going on the words the person has written. I should have done that in this case as well, but I’m glad you checked back at what you’d written. It’s so hard to keep a balanced view when feelings, hopes, grief are all so strong. I do hope this is the start of recovery for you.

          My very best –

          John

          • debbie says:

            Hi John,

            Despite all the above great resolve, I continue to search for answers. The most recent of which has been irrefutable proof that my ex partner got engaged three days after he moved out of my house last July. I am devastated. Of course I knew by his behaviour that he had someone else, just as I had known the first time he had an affair, but finding out for sure has put back any recovery I was making.

            Added to the hurt, we had been becoming close last month, and in his pleas for a reconciliation he was insistent that he had not been involved with anyone whilst living with me. Of course, these continued lies were just necessary for his own survival, but I would have preferred the truth.

            Whilst I am getting continued support from your website which I value so much, I now feel a bit of a fraud for being here. Depressed or not, this man had been cheating on me for the second time. Surely I am just another statistic now? In fact, initially when I found out about his engagement I declared to friends that I felt better because I no longer need to feel compassion, he is a serial cheat, not a depressive. This euphoria didn’t last though.

            I still have thoughts of him in my head from morning until night. I still recount the strange behaviours before and since he left which point to an indisputable bipolar diagnosis. And now I can add to this that 3 days after leaving our home he got engaged by SKYPE to a lady thousands of miles away who he had not yet met. Can this be construed as normal behaviour?

            I am now compelled to add that his first “affair” consisted of his infatuation for a work colleague and a text message he sent to her declaring he loved her and wanted a future with her, which turned out was nothing but embaressing to the poor girl whose only crime was to listen to his tales of woe. I call both betrayals emotional indiscretions which to me are worse than sexual ones. But can he really be said to have had affairs at all? Am I just grossly over sensitive? Am I STILL making excuses for a lifetime of disloyalty??

            Both of these events happened at a time when my life was going particularly well with career achievements, personal goal success and good times with friends, although I do not feel I at any way stopped showing my love and appreciation for him at these times. I wonder if there was an element of narcissistic personality disorder about him… still surmising!

            As you can see, John, I still haven’t let this go. I want to move on but I cant. I don’t even know where he is anymore and still I worry about him.

            I realise that my issues are becoming more about me; my devastation at his betrayal, my inability to find closure, so I understand I should probably sign off from here as I am not on the right forum really. But I will continue to follow all of you with interest and heartfelt empathy, and I thank you so much for this site John, which helps me more than I can say.

            Love to all, Deb x

          • John Folk-Williams says:

            Hi, debbie -

            I sympathize with your frustration about how long it takes to get over such a painful relationship – but – Fraud? Sign off? Probably half the people who write here are talking about their difficulty in recovering from loving a depressed person – in fact, I’ll have to do a post on that topic. It’s only natural that you can’t stop thinking about him – bipolar, depressive, serial cheater, relationship fantasist, irresponsible liar, narcissist and wonderful guy that you have described him as being. Your feelings have been mauled, you’ve been lied to, betrayed, humiliated – so, of course, the issues are about you and your pain and grief. And I hope you can give yourself the time it takes to come to terms with it all – while getting all the support you need, wherever and however you can get it. Hopefully, at some point the obsessing and anguish about things you can’t control or change turn into regret. I’m no one to talk, since it’s taken me a lot of my life to stop obsessing about every failure and humiliating or painful moment I’ve lived through. That’s the sort of thing therapists can be very helpful with. — All my best to you!

            John

  23. debbie says:

    Hi
    I can relate to everything mentioned above. He’s been gone for ten months now and I’m still no nearer understanding why my loving man turned into a monster. Humiliation is a word that resonates. He has recently been talking about us trying again, but as soon as I get close to him he embroils me in the fantasy world he has been deluded in since we separated.
    He tells me detailed stories about a girl in another country he met online and was going to marry. This delusion was played out initially some months ago and left me in so much pain, yet he invented more and more stories until he could no longer keep up with the lies himself and decided to tell me it had come to an horrific end involving police intervention which he wanted me to support him through.
    Constantly worrying for his well being, I would contact him and offer my support. He allowed me to feel close to him, voicing his regret and his need for our relationship, only to inform me that he is back with his fantasy woman.
    I know that the whole thing is a fabrication but I cant begin to understand his need to hurt me so badly. We went through something similar 8 years ago when he ended up admitted into psychiatric in patient care and I let him back into my life. Why then cant I see how this can never be a healthy relationship? Toxic is a word used in this forum and it sums him up completely.
    I sought counselling but was told in no uncertain terms that he is an adult and I need to leave him to make his own mistakes and find myself a new project! If it were that easy I would have done it by now. He was the love of my life for twelve years and I’m stuck in a groove I feel I will never get out of.

    Thanks for an amazing site.

    Debbie.

  24. Heather says:

    I find myself constantly confused about the end our a beautiful relationship, due to depression. One week he was in love with me, the next he didn’t want anything to do with me, it started a week after he started Champix, I’ve since moved out, and am utterly devastated, I go to my own therapist, to deal with it, but how to you truly let go, especially when you have to let go of two completely different people. The wonderful partner, and then the angry, mean, blaming one that arrived? any advance would be appreciated.

    • John Folk-Williams says:

      Hi, Heather-

      I guess one part of the feeling is grief at a terrible loss. It takes time to deal with it. So many feelings crowd in – differing for each person, but confusion, hurt, maybe humiliation, anger along with grief. I’m glad you’re working with a therapist to help sort it all out. I know everyone talks about letting go, and many people seem to expect it of you. But I’m not sure what it means. I’m sure you can’t will it. I believe the pain of loss becomes less overwhelming when you start to be able to observe it, meaning you’re detached enough to look at what you’ve been going through. That’s the goal of mindfulness, but the idea is common to many forms of psychotherapy under many names.

      Here’s hoping things become clearer soon.

      John

  25. Liz says:

    I wasn’t the one who initiated the breakup, my depressed partner did. I resisted it as best as I could until she said that being with me made her feel worse (I never did anything but try to make her feel better), and then I gave up.

    I’m still far from over her and it has been really hard. She’s in a very bad shape and I constantly worry about what she’s doing to herself and if I need to intervene in order to save her. What has made it easier for me is what made it hard while we were together. She left me a few months ago, but she hasn’t said a kind word to me long before that because of her depression. As a result, the recent memories are all negative, which makes it a little easier to move on. I read somewhere that in order to move on you should think about the negative qualities about your partner, and I think depressed partners make it really easy to think of those.

    • John Folk-Williams says:

      Hi, Liz -

      This must be a painful time, and I hope you can move on. It’s not surprising that your ex is still in bad shape – leaving and blaming someone else for the way you feel doesn’t work. You eventually have to face yourself and do the hard work of trying to get better. No one can do it for her. When I was going through a break-up, I couldn’t focus on the bad things only, however much it hurt to dwell in the wonderful memories. Feeling a relationship fall apart into anger and pain is bad enough – losing the ability to recall happily the best in the relationship makes it all the worse. In the end, though, you do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

      My best to you -

      John